In a terrible fix

"I'm just a girl who cain't say no
I'm in a terrible fix!"
Words immortalised by the film ''Oklahoma!'' (and Polly in ''Fawlty Towers'') and something of a mantra to those of us born without the "assertive" gene. Of course, I prefer to think of myself as "obliging", but I'm constantly being told I should should "stick up for myself" more often. Even as a child, I was always too pathetically grateful to the other children for playing with me to risk ruining it by making them play a game of my choosing. So I went along with everything, continuing to be "it" long after I had tagged someone else, being the little sister again when we were playing in the wendy house, even though I wanted to be the mummy. (My younger brother will read this and scoff - for many was the time I made him be a girl or play school with me, but at home it was different.)

Now that I am in my 20's, I'm still the same insecure, pathetically grateful child I always was. Although these days, it's my job I am pathetically grateful for. All too frequent was the hour when I worked in an office, that I stayed beyond my paid 36 hours, "taking one for the team" (the rest of whom had fucked off by 5.00), completing some arduous task which could have been done by somebody else. Well - meaning colleagues would tell me to go home, not to work for free. Yet these were the same people who, a week later, were happy for me to stay behind when they needed 700 envelopes stuffed. (Envelope stuffing has to be the worst job, no? All corners and papercuts and broken nails just when you're on a roll...) Have you ever noticed that though? That people are perfectly happy for you to send their faxes, but when you have the audacity to be too busy because you're photocopying a 97 page document for somebody else, they take you to one side and give an avuncular or (more often) materteral (see footnote 1) lecture about being more "assertive". My current boss, (who I actually like - horror of horrors!) gave me one such talking to recently. And yet I am still too frightened of offending or annoying her to ask for a pay claim for 6 hours of overtime which I completed not long ago.

Truth be told Reader, I suspect I could be more assertive if I tried, but there is a fine line between being "assertive" and being "stroppy" (and boy can I be stroppy) and I am just not willing to risk it (see footnote 2). I have tried saying "no" in a jokey, faux - angry way. But then people just thought I was joking. I've tried saying "no" in a timid way. This didn't work either because I'm not actually timid, so people just raised one eyebrow at me in a "what-are-you-playing-at?" sort of way. The thing is, because I am chatty and friendly seem quite confident, people assume I am also assertive. The fact that I quip, "what did your last slave die of?" when they ask me to send their 30 page fax assuages their guilt.

I also have a guilt problem of my own. The tiny voice in my head which cries out "I don't want to" is always outspoken by my self - flagellation gland which booms back "well why shouldn't you?" Hence, when a homeless person asks me for change, I hear myself ask, "do you really need that £2 coin? What are you going to spend it on? Nail varnish? Overpriced chunks of mango? Don't be pathetic - his need is greater than yours. Mango indeed." So I hand over what change I have. It's not even because I'm a nice person. I just can't handle the guilt. Likewise at work, having already lost one job in the recession, I cannot bear the possibility that I am not doing everything which is humanly possible to keep the one I am in. So I may burn a hole in my stomach lining every time I say "yes" to something (and probably still go to work) but I will never let myself become complacent (see footnote 2).

You may have noticed that the subject of this blog has evolved to become a far - cry from the original meaning of the song I quoted, which is full of saucy innuendo about promiscuity - so sorry if you have been disappointed. (I'll try harder next time!) And surprisingly, despite being unable to "say no", I'm actually not promiscuous. I CAN count on one hand the number of partners I have had. Don't get me wrong, I'm not boastful about this. While I've almost gotten over my hang - ups about failing to sleep around (particularly as a student), I am far from wearing a t - shirt which reads "Chaste and Proud!" or "Good Girls Wait for Love", or some other God - awful virgin mantra. Perhaps if I were more assertive I'd be able to march up to men, tell them what I wanted and take them as my lover. (What a marvellous phrase that is! It would be worth doing so just to be able to use it more often.) Ironically, as the girl who "cain't say no", I cain't seem to say anything at all to men.

So there you have it, I am a paradoxical, Schrodinger's Catch 22, contradiction of a human being. I can neither shut up nor stick up for myself, I work overtime (to fund my donations to tramps) and am too scared to claim for it, I can't say no and yet I never get laid. And all this, apparently, because I lack a quality which some bossy boots once decided to label as "assertive".

And there, dear Reader is where this blog must end. I hope you have a wonderful long weekend and that for all of our sakes, it doesn't rain for the full remaining three days. Happy Easter. Lots of love to you all (I believe there are now 4 of you). And remember, "just say no."

yours,

J.B

Footnotes-
(1) 'Materteral' is a word I recently learned, which is the feminine version of 'avuncular'. It means 'aunt - like' and comes from the Latin, 'matertera' which means, 'mother's sister'.

(2) There is a fine line between "assertive" and "stroppy" when a woman is assertive, especially a young woman. If a man sticks up for himself, he's a leader. A woman- she's a troublemaker. Likewise, if a man is complacent, he is thought of as laid - back and somehow cool. But a woman is seen as lazy. This is not a Carrie Bradshaw style column on gender roles in the modern world (hence why this is added as a footnote), but have you ever noticed that? Tell me I'm wrong.